My Very Own Mess

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So I am a bad person... Like really bad.

I mislead poor Chris my ex times three?ish.

I guess I should tell the whole story. I had met him before in AG-FOR on campus, but he was unremarkable on the whole. We were seated at the same table at our friends Monica and Justin's wedding (August 2009). Actually, we were seated right next to each other. I look back at those pictures and I looked roughly the size of a barge. I was sweating--we were in a greenhouse in the middle of August and it was a hot night. My hair was completely frizzy, but he liked me. Truth be told I liked him too. Another guy our age from our table tagged along with us too. I felt like a queen holding court and practically demanded that Chris facebook me to hang out sometime.

I liked him; he was in animal science. Chris has great hair and brown eyes and he was just the right amount taller than me. He liked hiking and he laughed at my bad jokes. The fact that he was impressed with my plant knowledge--half of which was total bullshit--didn't hurt either.

So we went out on a date. And then we went out on another and another and we had just started to get to that next phase in the relationship and I think he got scared and he dumped me by the old don't answer her messages method. After four months of dating!

I know I was pissed and I told him that standing me up was not acceptable and if he did it to another girl that he'd be big trouble. He apologized profusely and that was that.

I fell into a deep depression and was acting out a lot. It was partly work related stress, but I figured it out and I felt better.

I just wish I could go back and not sleep with that British RAF pilot. Sex while drunk/ with someone shorter than you is not fun. Oh well... Lesson learned.

Come May or June I get a text from him. I texted him back because while he was apologizing to me he made me promise we'd stay friends and I didn't want to look like a catty bitch. I still had feelings for him and we ended up dating again.

After a while I knew that I wasn't in love with him and I knew I never would be. I dumped him explaining I wasn't mature enough to be in a relationship and I felt relieved. I felt free. My love life was dormant after that. That was in August I think.

Then a month ago he texts me. I text back because I dumped him and once again I don't want to look like a bitch. He asks me out for dinner and I say why not I don't want to cook.

It was clear it was a date from the get go. From the big hug to the fight over splitting the bill. I realized he still wanted to be with me. I haven't been with someone in four months and I was weak. I couldn't remember why I had broken up with him. He was funny and he thought I was interesting. I still found him attractive. Why did I break up with this gem? I could tell him anything...

So when he texted me the next week asking me to dinner at his house after dinner how could I say no? I might get lucky...

I gussied myself up and I went to his place. He made a amazing and tasty dinner and I had two too many glasses of wine. I slept with him again. Ugh.

He's great in bed don't get me wrong. I had fun, but the second we started I remembered why we broke up. I didn't love him and I never would. Deep down inside I knew he wasn't what I wanted out of a life partner. When he looked up at me with those love filled eyes I thought I was going to hurl.

He lets me make too many decisions and feel like I'm hen pecking him. I don't want to be that woman.

He talks about things we should do and he never follows through. For example I planned a good hike in Jasper ending at a hot springs and he could never find time for me.

So this last week I evaded texts from him with the answer I'm working overtime and now he is gone to Malaysia for a month, so hopefully he forgets about me. Or I figure out how to say, "Sorry I just used you for sex."

Merry Christmas and Happy blank Conscience!

Am I there yet?

I feel like I keep on waiting for my life to start.

I got a good job. I like it most of the time. It's still challenging (Time management is not my strong point). It is a bit menial and watching the people around me I wonder if I will ever move up in the company. I've also realized that the job isn't the problem for me. It's the people. Some days I just want to hide under my covers and never come out...


Maybe because it isn't what I thought I'd be doing... though Lord knows what I thought I was going to do...

I think I have low self esteem... Or maybe I'm depressed... I had a one night stand... Granted I wasn't sober, but that is no excuse. Maybe I'm bored with life? Likely. That would explain the massive amounts of alcohol I was drinking.

I have a crush on my chiropractor, but it is an entirely depressing crush. Why do I have a thing for shorter chubby older men that are extremely charismatic? 1st Wes, than Ecolab guy, now chiropractor? That is something I don't want to touch with a thousand foot pole. I just can't figure that bizarre attraction out.

Also I watched Band of Brothers and now I'm getting into The Pacific, so previously unacceptable military men are starting to look good to me. (I know I know they defend our country the least I can do is love a couple) I just worry that I'm not deep enough to deal with the baggage that comes with service. Also I am the worst at putting my foot in my mouth sometimes...

I also worry that I'm bad at sex. That terrifies me. Or that I have some HUGE flaw in my personality... It seems that everytime I date someone we reach a certain point and then it goes south. I guess looking back I've never loved anyone I've dated. I usually just settle for them after the initial attraction fizzles out. If they'll have me that's enough... Except... The idea of being trapped in a relationship terrified me last year...

I don't have a clear idea about where my life should be and it's eating away at me. Maybe I should write up a 5 year plan... 

*sigh* I guess I can't complain about shit I'm not going to do anything about...

eff.


Bryn

We're all dumb and jaded.

I'm me again. I think I had some SADD or some crazy inducing birth control-itsis.

I saw Chris today at Dim Sum (I was looking SUPER HOT) and I actually felt that I could be friends with him. It was the first time I've seen an ex. I think fondly of the time we spent together, not regretfully.

I'm growing up!

I had a pre-date with a fellow off of plenty of fish. It felt like we were old friends, but he was a bit awkward and nervous. I guess I was too. I hope he likes me. I find him physically and mentally attractive.

Murphy (Of COURSE) decided to take a huge dump on my walk with the fellow. Nothing is so humbling as picking up your dog's shit and still trying to look cute.

I made Reese's Peanut butter cup cupcakes and they are good, but not too sweet. The icing is a ganache base and that helps cut the icing sugar and umph up the umami of the peanut butter!

I over cooked my steak tonight! (Blech) I like rare and this was well charred. I also had roasted asparagus which was pretty good, but the stringiness is kinda gag worthy, but I'm learning to eat teh veggies.

I had Bitch wine with it. Bitch is an Australian Grenache which I chilled (it was a nice hot day). I went okay, but I tend to enjoy fuller bodied reds with beef. But it tastes nummy with chocolate and peanut butter.

I'm going up to see my new nephew (Liam) during easter. I'm making easter supper or maybe lunch. I still need to figure out a good b-day prez for Crystal and a baby shower gift (She still has all the stuff from hayhay). Maybe I'll stop at Bernard Callebaut and pick up a bunny for Hayden. (milk chocolate, not dark)

I'm going to make a conscious effort to be more interactive with my nephew. It's scary though--if I do something wrong he'll start crying like all toddlers. I'll even pretend I like holding Liam. I love them... don't get me wrong... I just don't feel motherly. I don't particularly like children at this point in my life.

Whoa... This is only half the things I've been thinking about lately.

Anyways I hope this finds you all well wherever you may be,

Bryn

 

I'm not sure how I feel.

My relationships with men are UTTERLY convoluted.

I want someone... even just a friend with benefits.

I can't figure me out.

I'm already looking for the ones totally unsuitable for me and thinking maybe, just maybe I can make it work.

I'm really not that old and I didn't think I was THAT unattractive...

Where is he and what is taking him so damned long?

I saw a guy who looked like Chris (my ex) tonight and I almost ran. I need WAY more booze in me than I had at the time not to cuss him out. I really have never spoken to anyone I have had sex with after whatever we had dissolved. Maybe that isn't healthy,

OMG I just realized that this long time crush really is done. I mean half of these blog entries have to be at least partially about him. I can listen to those songs that consistently remind me of him without out so much as a pang. At least something good came out of all this confusion.

It doesn't tell me why I feel this need to grab the next breathing male who shows the slightest interest in me and drag him back to my condo...

Oh well,

Bryn

I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't felt this low since like grade 9.

I don't know how I am going to crawl out this rut this time. I feel so low.

I have awful interpersonal skills. I just got dumped in a totally awful way. Work sucks.

I guess I'll figure it out. I always do.

WHY?
Ugh He's the longest relationship I've had and It's a so f***ing Pathetic.

Why at 22 years old  is this my longest relationship?

I'm pathetic, I like him because he likes me back.

It's been what? 9 weeks actually. I like him alot.

I just don't trust him enough to sleep with him which is really sad cuz I know he is hurt from marie-claire. I'be slept with worse and he's he's so great.

God what is wrong with me that can't let go of a fucking  high school crush. Hoping that the tall and skinny would finally take a liking to the tall and definately curvy? Please Chris, Please love me, because I won't understand if he rejects me.


Drunk as all hell,
BRYN
(I need to grow up and give up this fairytale!)

I know I only post here when I am anxious about a new guy. I also know all my new guys are extremely short lived. It helps me see the situation I'm in so I have a different perspective on it.

This new guy is extremely nice. He is amazing. But he doesn't check all my boxes. I know having an ideal man in my head is silly, but there are some traits I want.

Something is making me hesitate. I like him and I'm attracted to him, but I'm scared he might stop liking me after a while. I'm scared of rejection.

I also don't want to give up my freedom that I have being single. I like being alone.

Relationships are full of compromise and what happens if he wants things that I really don't want to compromise on?

I'm such a control freak. Ugh.

He makes me feel so good about myself and although I really don't need a man to do that for me it's really nice.

I'm afraid he'll put up with too much of my shit. I want a partner who will tell me when I'm out of line. I don't know if there is enough passion there either.

I hate being honest with myself.

Bryn

..but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.


I have a crush on a wildly inappropriate person.

He's likely too old for me. Mid thirties?

He's not what other people would find attractive, but I think he is totally cute. Drew Carey-ish cute.

He's shorter than me.

He's a contractor (with a degree) for my workplace. Dating at work is not a good idea.

He's so funny.

I don't even know if he is married or such.

Le sigh.


Oh wells.

I'm happy. I like my job and I am genuinely shocked.

I'm a bit lonely, but I don't know if I want a man. I'm more lonely because I think I should be with someone and I worry that people think I'm broken because I'm not. I've never had a serious relationship.  What do I know about forming them or finding someone who I want to form one with>

As for my Mom and Grandma I feel like I'm letting them down. Like I should know who I want to spend my life with at 22. They didn't though, and hell my personal hero Julia Child didn't know until she was 36. Just because I'm her only granddaughter that isn't engaged or in a serious relationship doesn't mean I have to get that way.

What happens if I can't find anyone? If my fear of commitment  grows into a total fear of rejection? 

I'm 22 I need to stop stressing about this shit and start stressing a little more about my career. I thought I met a lady who had it all; three well adjusted boys, a husband, and a killer job. The perfect corporate bitch. But her husband turned out to be a stay at home dad. I don't have anything against that, but if he also had an awesome job it would be the perfect package. I don't know about kids. I love them and get all dewy eyed, but I'm always ready to toss them back to their parents.  The responsibility is overwhelming for me. I guess you get nine months to get used to the idea, but a dog is overwhelming to me right now.

I feel like I should have clearer goals on what I want to do with my life. The only goals I have right now is to get an apartment-sized chest freezer in black and go on a trip to Oregon next summer to tour wineries and Microbreweries. Those people who spend a year abroad, I envy them. They experience life versus me just letting life experience her. I'm not a risk taker, I'm a home body, and I lack a certain measure of ambition that would help me get closer to where I want to be. I'm lazy and I like being comfortable.

Ugh.

Enough of my musing.

Bryn