My Very Own Mess

WHY?
Ugh He's the longest relationship I've had and It's a so f***ing Pathetic.

Why at 22 years old  is this my longest relationship?

I'm pathetic, I like him because he likes me back.

It's been what? 9 weeks actually. I like him alot.

I just don't trust him enough to sleep with him which is really sad cuz I know he is hurt from marie-claire. I'be slept with worse and he's he's so great.

God what is wrong with me that can't let go of a fucking  high school crush. Hoping that the tall and skinny would finally take a liking to the tall and definately curvy? Please Chris, Please love me, because I won't understand if he rejects me.


Drunk as all hell,
BRYN
(I need to grow up and give up this fairytale!)

I know I only post here when I am anxious about a new guy. I also know all my new guys are extremely short lived. It helps me see the situation I'm in so I have a different perspective on it.

This new guy is extremely nice. He is amazing. But he doesn't check all my boxes. I know having an ideal man in my head is silly, but there are some traits I want.

Something is making me hesitate. I like him and I'm attracted to him, but I'm scared he might stop liking me after a while. I'm scared of rejection.

I also don't want to give up my freedom that I have being single. I like being alone.

Relationships are full of compromise and what happens if he wants things that I really don't want to compromise on?

I'm such a control freak. Ugh.

He makes me feel so good about myself and although I really don't need a man to do that for me it's really nice.

I'm afraid he'll put up with too much of my shit. I want a partner who will tell me when I'm out of line. I don't know if there is enough passion there either.

I hate being honest with myself.

Bryn

..but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.


I have a crush on a wildly inappropriate person.

He's likely too old for me. Mid thirties?

He's not what other people would find attractive, but I think he is totally cute. Drew Carey-ish cute.

He's shorter than me.

He's a contractor (with a degree) for my workplace. Dating at work is not a good idea.

He's so funny.

I don't even know if he is married or such.

Le sigh.


Oh wells.

I'm happy. I like my job and I am genuinely shocked.

I'm a bit lonely, but I don't know if I want a man. I'm more lonely because I think I should be with someone and I worry that people think I'm broken because I'm not. I've never had a serious relationship.  What do I know about forming them or finding someone who I want to form one with>

As for my Mom and Grandma I feel like I'm letting them down. Like I should know who I want to spend my life with at 22. They didn't though, and hell my personal hero Julia Child didn't know until she was 36. Just because I'm her only granddaughter that isn't engaged or in a serious relationship doesn't mean I have to get that way.

What happens if I can't find anyone? If my fear of commitment  grows into a total fear of rejection? 

I'm 22 I need to stop stressing about this shit and start stressing a little more about my career. I thought I met a lady who had it all; three well adjusted boys, a husband, and a killer job. The perfect corporate bitch. But her husband turned out to be a stay at home dad. I don't have anything against that, but if he also had an awesome job it would be the perfect package. I don't know about kids. I love them and get all dewy eyed, but I'm always ready to toss them back to their parents.  The responsibility is overwhelming for me. I guess you get nine months to get used to the idea, but a dog is overwhelming to me right now.

I feel like I should have clearer goals on what I want to do with my life. The only goals I have right now is to get an apartment-sized chest freezer in black and go on a trip to Oregon next summer to tour wineries and Microbreweries. Those people who spend a year abroad, I envy them. They experience life versus me just letting life experience her. I'm not a risk taker, I'm a home body, and I lack a certain measure of ambition that would help me get closer to where I want to be. I'm lazy and I like being comfortable.

Ugh.

Enough of my musing.

Bryn

I am myself. I want to keep it that way.

I don't want someone I have to do things with.

I don't want someone who expects to see me each week.

I don't want to be tied down.

I want to enjoy my 20's. I want to see things without the viewpoint of another person interfering.

I want to be able to work 70 hour work weeks and climb up that corporate ladder as fast as I fucking can, without someone complaining or nagging me about it.

It's my life. I'm finally free of any obligations to my mother (although I love her and don't hold anything against her) I want to learn how to be responsible for myself entirely, and not anybody else.

Maybe there isn't somebody out there for me, but if that is true, I don't mind. I'll have friends and dogs and good times. Hell If I want a child I don't need a man to get pregnant.

If there is somebody out there for me, they had better wait. I'm not ready and I don't think I'll be ready anytime soon.

Regards,

Bryn

So I got a job, So I've finished everything, but really... Why am I suppose to be oh so very excited?

I knew it was coming. It wasn't a surprise and it is for sure that I'm never going back.

Today I bought a whole bunch of new clothes and jewelry and I gussied myself up very well. I looked like a million bucks. I was seeing the boy I used to see and you can't let them know you've let yourself go. He said I was looking VERY nice and so did my friend So I feel good.

I want someone. I need cuddles and other stuff....

ugh.... Where to meet someone.


Bryn.

Fuck.

I mean seriously. I spend a good chunk of time making a nice supper for the boy and he just friends me. Well I saw it coming, because I felt the same way. But I made him supper is a little sex too much to ask for?


I'm not upset about this at all. Actually I'm a little relieved.  I want someone eventually, but not now. I've got to much going on to have another string tying me to this place. Near the end he did make me feel attractive. It's nice and I think we will be friends, but I'm not seeking out coffee dates to discuss boys or politics with him anytime soon.

It wasn't there whatever "IT" is. I'd like to find out one day. I need passion and I didn't feel it with him.


That didn't mean he couldn't have been a special friend. Oh wells, some guys don't like that.

I have spent soooo much time on my appearance this last month and it will be nice to slum it again.

Thanks for your guys help and support over Cameronfest 2009.


Bryn

He seems a lot like me. Same sense of humor, but It's like he doesn't try to participate in the conversation. It's always me that has to call him and he seems eager to hang out again. He doesn't make any moves on me, but he'll give me a kiss goodnight.

I'm weary of this. It was nice to play 20-something dating girl for a while, but now I'm not sure. I might hang up the towel and return to hermitude.

Let's see. I'm fairly clueless so it might be me that is be oblivious.


Bryn

I don't get boys. I just don't understand them.

I want it to be easy when I find Mr. Right. I don't want the guy waiting for two days to get in touch with me, because that is protocol. I dislike bureaucracy at the best of times and definately don't like it when I'm looking for a guy.

Well that's the way the cookie crumbles and it's been a good run, but all these cliches still don't damper that feeling of rejection. Of not being good enough. That's why don't try to date unless I see a really shiny object. I'm good enough for me and I hate having to justify that to a guy.

Bryn

Hey all,

It turns out that it is a big game that I just can't understand yet. He's coming over on Sunday for a group date/ dinner party. I might convince him that he should be the last to leave. Although the friends on this date may tease me. One of my friends has a crappy bf that I'm not sure of. I think he might be hurting her, but what can I do. I just try to be there for her. I just have my suspicions though. I hope she realizes that she is worth more than all that crap.

The guy I am dating has my sense of humour and is so nice. I want a nice a guy and he's just edgy enough to keep my interest. He smells nice and has the cutest nose. I don't think I've ever seen one quite like it.

I don't know why I'm crying I think it's the rum, (or excess of it,) but I am so happy. I never thought I was likable to a boy. I hope he is as good as he seems.


Wish me luck on this crazy crazy road,


Bryn

I don't get this dating game. If I like you why can't I just tell you.

It is so frustrating having an AMAZING first date and then no call.

Ugh. I'll give it a couple more days. Maybe this is just part of the game that I don't understand.


Bryn

Every time I have a crush on someone I feel like shit about myself. I judge myself too much trying to view myself from their eyes. I know I'm not an awful person to look at or to be friends with, but I am so rarely attracted to someone. I hope this one is at least Mr. Right-for-a-while and not Mr. Not-interested.

It's been about  year and a half since I dated someone. That ended epically bad. Rejection is so scary.


Bryn

 You see I am coffee addict. Some may say no Bryn you are a caffeine addict, but I'm not I only drink coffee as a caffeinated beverage and I won't drink just anything to get my fix.

So no big deal. I just drink alot of coffee.


WRONG!

When I'm stressed I drink more coffee and when I'm stressed my stomach pH rises as well so basically it feels like a velocia raptor is trying to gnaw its way out of my stomach.

So I go to the doctor and they tell eat more protein and take tums.

A ten tums a day habit (during exams) is unacceptable!

I hate my tummy.

*Pouts*

Bryn

So I lasted about three days on a dating site. They are useless. I don't even want a boyfriend or girlfriend right now.

I have been super lazy lately. I think it is because of the lack of daylight hours here. It sure as heck is warm enough here. YEY! Global warming!

This is going to be the first Christmas since I was probably eight that I haven't spent in Fort McMurray. There is not much there for me anymore. Come September the only thing binding me there is my Brother and his family.

I don't know where I'm going after I graduate and it terrifies me. High river? Brooks? Mom keeps trying to get me close to their retirement area. I'm all umm... What jobs are there?

What I choose now is going to influence so many aspects of my life and I'm not sure if I'm capable of making the right decision.


Bryn

When I listen to him it brings me back to my time in purgatory as I liked to call it aka. Keyano Collage. I actually had lots of fun there. I knew mostly everyone, I always had someone to hang out with, and If I didn't want to cook supper mom or dad would.

I don't miss it. I just miss some things about it. And Berwyn.

I remember driving home from Robbie's house late at night blasting "On the table" by him. I sang along at the top of my lungs with the windows down and all the traffic lights flashing. It was a good year.


Bryn

I'm just lonely. It's Friday night I'm all alone and I really wish I had a man in my bed tonight.

I just joined a dating website. I really am regretting it right now. How pathetic right?

I don't really meet boys in any of my classes they are definatley female dominated. I tend to hang out with friends mostly from high school and they all have ridiculously gorgeous guy friends that I would never have a chance with.

ugh.......

Bryn

Looks like it's going to be an okay year. I think I'll grow to like all my classes.

Looking for a job. I hate being poor. The Mom and Dad money train may have left the station.

Job this summer sucked.

that's about all....


Bryn

Summer means limbo for me. No I know it will eventually end so purgatory. 

I've never disliked a job so much as this one. It's not the job itself I dislike, but rather the morale at the place I work. I don't like negative people unless they are funny negative people. I find because of them I'm bitchier and complain more and I'm negative.

It's good on the friends scene, lots of people around and lots of friends to spend time with. I miss the ones I'm not spending time with, but I always do.

I'm a little homesick. Simple things like when I pour myself a cup of coffee on Sunday Mornings I stop and wish my mom was there to drink one with me. And at the end of a stressful day I wish I was having a scotch in silence with my dad. I know I have to grow up, but those two people have spoiled me with attention and love and I have a hard time not living with them.

As for the boyfriend front I'm not attracted to anyone unless I'm wasted. Male or Female. So unfortunately it isn't even batting for the wrong team. I wouldn't mind someone to warm my bed, but I won't actively seek one and the last date I was asked out on I didn't go to. I think I'm enjoying being alone too much.

I hope everyone else is doing well and if you aren't tell me.

Luvvles,

Bryn

Frank Black is coming to Edmonton in AUGUST!!!!!!!

I luvvles him SOOOOOOOOOOO much.

I saw him a couple years ago and It was AMAZING!!!!!!  http://www.last.fm/user/bryn_or_lunatic/journal/2007/02/06/5v0ls_i%27ve_got_the_biggest_hard-on_for_frank_black

As you can see I quite enjoy his music!

I want to marry him.


Bryn 

Yoinked fromyuuago

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
3.5) Strike out the books you started, but didn't finish.